Never Can Say Goodbye

You know that saying, "You always want what you can't have."
Well, it is so true!!!

My cousin Kenny, felt inspired for there to be a special family fast 

on behalf of his mom, my Aunt Cindy, on Easter Sunday. 

She had been suffering through many health problems as of late 

and the doctors couldn't seem to figure out what the problems were. 

She had received a number of blessings, but was still having a hard time 

enduring whatever it was she was going through.

Of course, we hoped that this fast would work a miracle in her life 

and restore her health once again.

But knew the outcome was ultimately out of our hands, and in the Lord's hands.
She has always had some kind of health problem, here or there,
so I didn't realize at first, just how dire and serious it was this time around.
Still, I fasted and prayed for her and thought of her when the RS President
gave a talk at church about how trials and hardships apply to the Atonement.

Then I thought of her again, when we had a combined meeting and
the Bishop asked everyone what their favorite scripture about Christ was.
I knew right away which one, so I raised my hand.
He called on me and asked me what scripture it was.
I told him which one and he asked me if I had it ready to read it.
I pointed to the side of my head and said, "I have it in here."

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart 
and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths.
-Proverbs 3:5-6

He then asked me what that scripture meant to me.
Ohhhh....I was not ready to go there!
I didn't want to turn this into a major sobfest.
I was somehow able to give an adequate response,
but not what it really meant to me.

That scripture was the Graham Family Motto
and was posted on their refrigerator.
I took it on as my own personal motto as well,
but it still always made me think of the Grahams.
I realized that instead of pointing to my head,
I should have pointed to my heart,
because that's where it really is!

After church was over, I talked with the RS President, thanking her
for her talk and why that topic had a special significance to me today. 
I also let the Bishop know that I appreciated the 'scripture share'
and talked with him about how it helped me with my fast for my aunt.

At the end of the fast, I got to the point where I knew
I had to put that scripture into action.
I had to trust in the Lord and His will.
While I hoped that my will and His would be one and the same,
I knew there was a chance that wasn't necessarily going to be the case.

My beloved Aunt Cindy passed away on the morning of April 2, 2013, at the age of 62.

I was so grief-stricken when I heard the news. I was completely in shock!
[Well, I didn't actually hear the news,
I saw a couple posts on Facebook about her passing,
which made me feel even more sad and depressed that I had to find out that way!]

I immediately called my little sister Katrina to let her know.
Oh, how I love my little sister!
When I told her the news, the first words she said were, "I'm so sorry."
Even though she was her aunt too,
she knew that she was much more than just an aunt to me.
Those three words meant so much to me at that time.

I wasn't sure if I'd be able to make it through the day without bursting into tears.
Well, that would be a no!
As soon as I got to my job and was asked how I was,
the tears started streaming down my face as I shared my sad news.
Then I completely lost it while reading books before naptime.
I was reading The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown.
It's about a bunny who says he's going to run away and become something else,
like a crocus in a garden. So the mama bunny tells him that she'll become a gardener.
The little bunny says he'll become a little boy and run into a house.
The mama bunny responds that if he's a little boy,
she'll be his mother and hold him in her arms.
While reading this, I couldn't help but think of my Aunt Cindy,
because she is just like that mama bunny
and would do whatever it took to be with her children.

So back to the saying I started this post off with,
"You always want what you can't have."
My heart just ached so much and I felt so sad
and those feelings just intensified when I realized
that the one person I wanted to talk to and share these feelings with,
was no longer here to do so.

Then I started getting upset with myself for all the missed opportunities
I had to talk with her or to visit her.
Why didn't I take advantage of them while I had the chance?
Because I thought we would have more time!

The last time I saw her was when I went to Kansas City
for a short, but sweet visit back in April 2012.
Because it had been about a year since I was last there,
I had just started looking for good deals
on flights there for an extended weekend getaway
and was excited over the prospect of seeing everyone there again.

I can still hear her voice in my mind, when she would greet me
at the door when I arrived.
And how it always felt like I was coming back home
and all those years apart from each other
just seemed to magically melt away.

With all the time we had spent together,
you would think there would be a number of photos of us together,
but sadly you would be wrong.
I went through my photo boxes and scrapbooks
and found not a single photo of just the two of us together!
There were some family photos and a couple photos that had Shannon
or someone else in the photo, but none of just me and my Aunt Cindy.
That completely broke my heart!!!

[I'm wearing the stylish Fonz shirt and my Aunt Cindy is sitting in the rocking chair.]

 [I'm striking a pose on the floor, she's 2nd from the right.]

This sweet lady has been more like a mother to me than an aunt 

for over half of my life and I just could not believe that I didn't 

even have a picture of us together to forever treasure!

I mentioned this to my cousin Kenny, who I knew had 

gone through a bunch of photos to create a memorial video montage. 

So imagine my complete joy and surprise when he tells me

that he found one of us together and that it was in the video!

He emailed me a copy of the picture.

My first visit to Kansas City was in 2009 and this is a photo of us at the airport.

Definitely one of my most treasured photos.

I don't throw the "L" word around a lot,
but she was one of the few I would say it to.

I love you Aunt Cindy. I miss you so much. Thank you so much for your love.
Thank you  for the wonderful example you have been to me all these years.
Until we meet again.