Learning for myself

I am by nature, someone who normally keeps my thoughts and feelings to myself. I think it all boils down to trust issues, because I've been let down so many times in the past, I just didn't want to open up and get hurt again. But "they" say it's best to get it all off your chest, so I'm really pouring out my heart here.

To say that the past 6 months have been a struggle for me, is an understatement. Even just taking it one day at a time felt overwhelming to me most of the time. I've lost track of how many days I found myself weeping because of it all. I've just felt so overpowered by negativity, it was difficult to recognize and appreciate the positive things.

As I've previously blogged, there have been moments when I have recognized and been blessed by 'tender mercies', unfortunately their effect on me would start to fade after awhile and I'd feel down, alone and forgotten again.

[For example, finding this 'little reminder' I found at Michaels for 80% off!]

It just felt like nothing was going right here and I constantly found myself comparing myself to others. Sure, this person has been having difficulties this year, but they have a loving husband or an awesome family, live in a nice home, are financially stable, have a supportive ward family...you get the idea. I'd think, "Well if I had even one of those, things would be better!"

I have just felt so trapped. I felt like, well, this is the way things are, apparently I'm here for some reason, guess I'll just have to endure to the end and hope I see that light at the end of the tunnel soon. Which I've recognized has been a bit of a pattern for me. Not realizing that there is something more I can do, than just grin and bear it. It has been so emotionally draining to realize just how little faith and belief I've had in myself and my abilities. That for some unknown reason, I don't feel like I'm capable of accomplishing what millions and millions of people do on a daily basis.

I've been struggling with my job for awhile now. I know that there are many, many people out there who would love to have a job to struggle with, which is one of the few reasons I've been sticking with it.

I'm lucky if I know my schedule more than one day in advance. There's been days when I come in and my schedule is different from what was written the day before. One time they asked me if I could come in an hour early the next day, which I did, only to be told they didn't need me that early after all, and to clock in at my original time! Another time, they ended up sending someone else home early, because they "forgot" to call me to come in 2 hours later than scheduled! Then there's days where they make me take a 2 hour break and other days where I don't get a break at all. It's whatever is geared to their best interest, certainly not mine! [Oh, how I miss California and it's labor laws requiring employees to get breaks after working so many hours a day!]

It's also been really hard to be asked by everyone I work with if I have kids. I understand they're just making conversation and trying to learn more about me, but it's been tough.

When I tell them I don't I get responses like, "You don't want kids?", "Oh, you're smart!", "Are you planning on having kids?", etc.

One day while working in the infant room, holding a sweet little 10 week old baby, one of the teachers said to me, "I see you having 3 or 4 of those of your own." I had to hold back the tears. That's been my life long dream, but as each year goes by, I can't help but wonder if it will happen.

Anyway, I'd think about the impression I received to move out here and started questioning it. Did it really come from the Lord or did it come from fear? I knew that Heavenly Father didn't want me to be miserable and confused, so why was I feeling this way if this was where I was "supposed" to be? I remembered the happiness I felt during my short trip to Southern California and yearned to feel that way again.

I started weighing the pros and cons of moving back to anywhere in California, over staying here. [California definitely had more pros than cons!]

As much as I personally wanted to be able to live in California, I knew that ultimately what I really wanted to do was what the Lord wanted me to do. I poured out my heart in prayer, laid out my thoughts and feelings and asked for strength and guidance I needed for whatever the choice may be.

Now I know that our time and the Lord's time are two completely different things, but I was up against a bit of a deadline and needed an answer ASAP!

But, I just never felt that an answer came. I prayed to see if this was one of those things where it didn't really matter either way, because if that was the case, California here I come!

Deadline is approaching and I'm still not any closer to a decision.

I was feeling stressed out to the MAX, to the point where I felt like I couldn't breathe!

So I did what I had thought of doing so many times before.... I "ran away!"

I just grabbed my purse and walked right out the door!

I ended up walking to the bus stop and sat on the bench, sobbing uncontrollably.

I took the bus to the DART station and ended up riding the train for an hour.

I had grabbed my scriptures, because I read them every night before bed, and I wasn't sure when I left, just exactly where I would be sleeping, so I wanted them with me.

I opened them up while I was riding the DART train. I just opened them up to where I had left off the night before. And as I was reading them, the thought came to my mind, to apply what was being said to myself.

Ether Chapter 4

13 Come unto me, [Tammy] O ye Gentiles, and I will show unto you the greater things, the knowledge which is hid up because of unbelief.

14 Come unto me, [Tammy] O ye house of Israel, and it shall be made manifest unto you how great things the Father hath laid up for you, from the foundation of the world; and it hath not come unto you, because of unbelief.

15 Behold, [Tammy] when ye shall rend that veil of unbelief which doth cause you to remain in your awful state of wickedness, and hardness of heart, and blindness of mind, then shall the great and marvelous things which have been hid up from the foundation of the world from you—yea, [Tammy] when ye shall call upon the Father in my name, with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, then shall ye know that the Father hath remembered the covenant which he made unto your fathers, O house of Israel.

Let's just say that it's a good thing I was wearing a hooded sweatshirt and that there were only a couple other people on the train with me, because I was a bit of a mess after that!

I thought, "OK, Heavenly Father, I read you loud and clear on this one!"

I'm feeling miserable because I don't believe in myself, doubted the prompting of the spirit, and am letting covetousness and my negative attitude harden my heart and because of this I am missing out on great and marvelous things! And I WANT and NEED great and marvelous things in my life right now!

I felt more at peace than I have in quite some time now!

My sister Katrina, was getting off of work soon, so I ended up going to see her.
We went and hung out at a cafe for an hour or so, just chatting about this and that.
[And had the worst hot chocolate ever! There goes $2.50 down the drain!]

Meet my two new best friends...



I just need to remember that they are true friends!
And that they are always here when I need them and they won't let me down.